exposed cerebral cortex of a proletariat bike slut

entering a relationship with someone who was previously a friend has made me realize how fucking weird I am in relationships.

I can’t believe how much I’ve pulled away…

this week he toothbrushed me (bought me a toothbrush since I spend the night so much)..and I think he told me he loves me? Maybe it was an accident..nevertheless, it terrified me beyond belief..and its not the first time he accidentally said it. He probably means “love you” like a friend, but I still can’t help but fight the urge to bolt..

meanwhile, this week I asked him if we were in a relationship…(duh)…and then called him the wrong name, at the worst possible time.

why.why am I so bad at this?

I miss being his friend and understanding how to interact in a normal way..without losing complete trust..

the next model UN conference is in Vancouver, in January.

Model UN = same problems as real UN, only hard for cynics such as myself to get wrapped up in…because they are preoccupied with dirty thoughts of going rogue, and bursting out in raging diatribes which seek to confront the real problems…in effect, condemning many of the actions taken by the real UN.

but in order to be competitive for Law/ Policy School (read: OH MY GOD I WANT TO GO TO POLICY SCHOOL..and then spend the rest of my life bounding back from foreign countries to work in politics…to perhaps getting my doctorate, to running off to yet another foreign country…) I hate to take part in these silly games of the bourgeoisie.

“Oh dear sweet diaz! Please hear my point for precisely one minute and a half!”

and…oh my god the sexy sexy sexy man that is also going to Vancouver that I met in Seattle..half Brazilian, half Moroccan, full ride to NYU after this year, ROTC already with security clearance, his knowledge of geo-politics a never ending abyss..  and only 20..how cute

again, last night I had a paralyzing nightmare…

I wake up in a panic, brought out of my sleep by some small noise which I attribute to a man breaking into my room to rape me.  This is followed by 30 seconds - 1 minute of paralytic terror accompanied by silent screams, before I am able to move and say anything.

I hate it.

It always happens unless I’m either drunk or sleeping next to Dylan.

fuck.fuck fuck.

Draft Resolution from NWMUN:

COMMITTEE: Commission on the Status of Women

SPONSORS: Tanzania, South Korea, Namibia, United Arab Emirates

SIGNATORIES: Spain, Turkey, Eritrea, United States of America, Haiti

Research as a Mechanism of Empowerment, Participation, and Accountability in Post-Conflict Zones

The Commission on the Status of Women,

Bearing in mind that primary and immediate needs must be met before subsequent efforts are taken toward institutional formations,

Aware that organizations initiated by the United Nations often lead to the further development of localized efforts toward social reconstruction,

Supporting the policies and actions of the United Nations High Commissioner on Refugees (UNHCR) and United Nations Peace-keeping troops, in securing, physically re-constructing, and socially stabilizing post-conflict zones,

Recognizing the lack of post-conflict reconstruction efforts in addressing women-specific issues in reference to the Post-Conflict Needs Assessment’s used by the United Nations Development Group in post-conflict reconstruction,

Emphasizing the need for capacity-building through organizational instruments, such as those employed by the United Nations Development Program (UNDP) and evidenced in the successful creation of the Great Lakes Region Women’s Rights Research Center in Rwanda,

Recalling the Beijing Declaration and Platform for Action in its call for concrete solutions,

Reiterating this body’s commitment to the continuance and full implementation of Security Council resolutions 1325 (2000), 1888 (2009), and 1889 (2009) on women, peace and security,

Affirming the words of the Executive Director of United Nations Development Fund for Women (UNIFEM) at the October 2009 Security Council Debate on Women, Peace and Security, calling for “stronger system-wide architecture for leadership, expertise, funding, monitoring and accountability”,

Recalling CSW/2003/44 in the emphasis on “monitoring and accountability mechanisms to ensure implementation of gender-sensitive policies”,

Recalling also the importance of “women’s equal participation and full involvement in all efforts for the maintenance of peace and promotion of peace and security” in Security Council Resolution 1888, 

1. Calls upon the United Nations Development Fund for Women (UNIFEM) and United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) to facilitate the creation of localized research organizations, specializing in gender-specific issues, in order to establish an oversight and accountability mechanism for the incorporation of women in post-conflict society by the monitoring of gender representation, bias, and equality in the areas of media, education, healthcare, economic access, and political leadership;

2. Affirms that the training and employment of women in these fact-finding institutions should lead to:

• 1. increased access to internet capabilities and understanding of Information Computer Technology
  2. a highly responsive and gender-sensitive female polity to which future institutions must be accountable to the international community;

3. Designates that UNIFEM personnel employ local women in these organizations, equipping them with the necessary skills to implement the goals of gender-equal participation and representation by offering:

• 1. gender-sensitization” training, which enhances awareness of the role of gender in society,
  2. statistical analysis training,
  3. instruction and access to the use of advanced technologies and research databases;

4.  Recommends the local publication of gender-specific findings through government Gazette’s or other appropriate mediums, as well as the transference of this data to the United Nations Institute Research for Social Development (UNIRSD), which will act as a tool for gender-mainstreaming with the application of data toward:

• 1. the formulation of Post-Conflict Needs Assessments in conjunction with the United Nations Development Group and the World Bank with an emphasis on discrepancies in:

• • 1. access to healthcare, particularly in relation to reproductive and feminine needs,
    2. gender parity in education,
    3. availability of credit, employment opportunities, and ownership rights;

• 2. as an accountability mechanism for the representation of women in developing infrastructural formations, such as:
  1. 1. proportionate gender representation in all areas of state government
     2. proportionate gender representation and participation in the formal peace process, as stated in Security Council Resolution 1888 and the Beijing Platform for Action such as, increased representation of women as mediators with an emphasis on women in positions as Chief or Lead mediator, increased presence of women in peace-keeping forces, increased presence of women in judiciary and legal positions within tribunal processes;

5. Endorses the further utilization of appropriate forums between members of the NGO community and representatives of this organization;

6. Appeals to the member states and the global civil society for material, epistemic, and advisory support for the development and application of data found and utilized in the aforementioned gender-sensitive research bodies.

t - a couple weeks until I have the topics for the Vancouver conference and can start researching..

when I counted up my demons..

saw there was one for every day

with the good ones on my shoulders

I drove the other ones away.

all is not lost.

if I hear one more of my friends tell me about rape I’m going to scream.

no.

I’m going to keep turning back to school.

I will be in policy.

I will fucking kill the Stupak’s of the world.

knowledge is power, degrees cannot be raped out of women.

Evans school at UW = hot sex.

hotter sex = many of the policy and law schools that I was interested in at the fair yesterday told me that I’m pretty competitive…my lackluster GPA can be subjugated by leadership roles, kickass essays, and high test scores.

Under new and interesting courses:

Special Topics- Competing for Prosperity: Applying Theory and Best Practice to Overcome the Crisis

The current worldwide economic, socia,l and environmental crisis calls for schools of public affairs to nurture creative and innovative approaches to solve this problem by producing new intellectual capital – human and social. Attempts to use old approaches to resolve the crises delay resolution, exacerbate the crisis, and waste public resources by defending the past instead of investing in the future.

To overcome the crisis, there is a need to assess and mobilize local resources and create value propositions that can attract investors. This approach is taught by the Microeconomics of Competition (MOC) program adapted from M. Porter (Harvard Business School), which is used by more than 90 universities world-wide including the University of Washington since fall 2008. Implementation of MOC requires partnership of academic, governmental, business, and nonprofit organizations. It enriches curricula of competitiveness and cluster concepts, builds new human and social capital, and helps turning the crisis into development opportunity.

Although Washington state was an early adopter of the cluster concept, the background studies conducted for identifying priority clusters the state strategy are already five to eight years old. They need to be updated and the policies designed to support cluster development analyzed at the present stage. Particularly, there is need to verify whether the cluster-based strategy was fully supported by appropriate policy measures and funding, and available local resources identified and allocated for cluster development and upgrading.

oh.my.god.

I don’t know what is hotter: this or the mind blowing sex I had before model UN tonight.

mmmmmmmmm…

and again, it happens.

yet another relationship that will never get past initial predilections to closeness because he is intimidated by me and feels a need to put me down.  I can’t speak latin, I know nothing about ancient history, football, acting, have no sense of balance and coordination…yet I am not at all intimidated by any of this.  I love that when we go out and meet other couples, he can defend ANY idea when the subject turns to religion or history.  I love that he talks to me in latin, and I don’t understand a word of it.  And so many other things that he is so much better at than I could ever hope…

but when the conversation turns world issues, politics, NGOs, travel, ethics issues, or anything that I am interested in…he shuts me down completely and withdraws all support or admiration.  It has been escalating more and more, and now it is getting to the point of absurdity.  When I told him that I was nervous about Model UN, he said not to worry because no one listens to the united arab emirates anyway…and when I talked about how I needed to do well in order to go to New York, he again told me not to worry because the chance that I would be able to go was minuscule.

Really though? How the fuck would he know?  He doesn’t know Resolution 1888 and 1889.  I do.  He doesn’t know the UAE’s stance on issues…I researched it.  Not that I was great, I still have much to learn about being a delegate.  But Jesus, who DOES know everything about what they are doing all the time? And when I was moved to group leader in my sustainability club (which is a HUGE deal because it means that I will have a much higher chance of getting personal funding for the trip)..he barely gave me a high five, and assumed I just got it because I asked for it. Actually, I got it BECAUSE I took the lead in the health group, hosted the parties, talked to the foundation, went to the meetings, got the tax code for the entire club’s fund raising activities.  All while keeping 2 A’s and a B, organizing events for BAP, working 24 hours a week, and preparing for NWMUN.  Not to mention hanging out with friends, family, muy thai…not that I’m amazing, I definitely have an incredible amount to learn, and happen to be VERY SHITTY at A LOT of things.  But when I do succeed and want to talk about it, he doesn’t want to.

I’m so tired of the passive aggressive, “Business majors are a joke” (said in his living room while studying one night with a bunch of friends.. I was cuddling with him and reading stats)…the “Politics never changes, and all politicians are pieces of shit..”, and “the UN is a joke that never does anything” ( true, but I still enjoy Model UN immensely).

this isn’t the first time. when will I be able to date a man who can just be OK with the fact that I am a very motivated woman with some interests that he won’t share, and that I will succeed occasionally?

NWMUN is next weekend….

somehow I’ve managed to throw myself into mass amounts of research..not sure where I found the time.

this is what I have to do. I have to work in Politics. I have to live in a big crazy city, I need a job that requires at least 60 hours a week, I need it fast and hard.

Life is so blissfully normal.  Last week I was reading in bed with him, while he was listening to a history podcast.  I felt so protected, so safe..just studying next to a guy who is completely…so endearingly..enamored with history, absent-mindedly combing my fingers through his hair while he rested his head on my chest.  Waking up to him walking me outside even though it is fucking freezing and he has three more hours to sleep..remembering my favorite apple and throwing me one every time I’m over…treating me with so much respect..visiting me at work, letting me steal his clothes, offering to learn all my model UN stuff so I have someone to practice debates with…talking dirty to me in Latin while he hits me…

love.it.

I just got off the phone with his mom, who is helping me raise health supplies for the city in Guatemala my club is working with.

She is wonderful.

We talked for 40 minutes…

I have never been respected like this by a straight guy…it is so over the top that I can’t help but believe it is fake.

so.so.sohappy.

also he wants to go for a walk right now, and it is 11 pm. And I am studying for my mid-term tomorrow.  I’m assuming that walk means “talk about things”, which is exactly what I have been trying to avoid.  Maybe I will just talk about model UN and statistics the whole time, and how I hate relationships.

he said he is going to bust into the model UN conference as North Korea and demand recognition.

Love?

oh god.

I’m going to hang out with him and his parents. In their home. I don’t typically do those types of things….oh god. freaking out commences now.

no, first I’m going to take a killer stats test. then I’m going to work, not sleep, and drive home with him and hang out with his family. And then I have work and a test the next day when I get back.  That’s the day when my Dad starts cancer treatment.

breathe. breathe.  breathe.

fuck.

z scores. t tables. finding n, remembering ridic formulas and using excel….hanging out with boy’s parents.  I don’t know which terrfies me more. but at least they both take my mind off of my Dad.

also, I can’t fucking stop listening to Sigur Rós, Starálfur. 

trying to read about two sided tests to prep for my lab in half an hour..

distracted immensely by thinking of how hot last night was..

and how I should have worn a turtleneck because it’s a bit obvious

AND I’m going to New York again, for model UN, meeting with actual delegates, in the UN building. sex.sexsex.

and going to hang out at his house in federal way next weekend.

distractions. distractions….need to read about statistics..

I woke up this morning at 8:50 a.m.

Got up to stretch, hit my head on his window.

definietly still drunk from the night before.

80’s night was….immense. It was as good as a clubbing night in Europe again.

so drunk…I threw my high heels at my house as we passed it on the way to his, so I had a lovely barefoot walk of shame this morning wearing his huge sweatshirt, make up strewn across my face, hair looking like medusa.

so hot.

so fucking hot and heavy.

and my dad is going to be ok.

and I’m going to Guatemala next summer to work on a western project.

I love my life.

the waiting is killing me.

they think it metastasized from his brain, or right behind his retina.

all I can do is cry. I love my Dad so much….what am I going to do when he has to go through radiation and chemo???

my fucking dad has cancer again…

I think I’m falling in love with him [not dad]. Is it because he is so unequivocally by my side while I’m piecing myself back together?

does it matter?

Dad has cancer, metastasized… I’m not going to have a dad anymore…

what else matters?

FUCK the senate finance committee.

the fucking conservadems need to get the dicks of the insurance companies out of their fucking throats.